NEW RELATIONSHIP

[Jo]

Hi

Can anyone give me some advise please. I have started a new relationship with a very nice fella, but he has no knowledge of what it is like to have or live with a colostomy bag. He knows that i wear a bag and the reasons why etc but he can not bring himself to look at my scare or my bag even when its not attached. We have talked a little about it and i have been as open as i dare to be at the moment as i am aware he feels uncomforatble with it. The only thing is that when we are together i am more conscious of it and it tends to play up because of it. So if there is anyone who can give me any advise on how to handle it i would be greatful. Thanks have a good xmas everyone Jo xx

[Sean]

Hi Jo and welcome,

Not sure we really can advise here as everyone is different, but it looks like your man has a hangup with bowels like a lot of the world.

My partner has been very understanding and it has never been an issue, but it probably did help that she knew me before I had surgery.

My own opinion is that your bag is part of you and that you shouldn't have to hide it because your new man can't accept it. However I am the opposite of squeamish, so I may be being harsh. However in the long term I think he really has to understand that a bag is an integral part of your person and it keeps you alive.

I am not suggesting that you ask him to change your bag for you or suchlike, but he has to be aware that it is there and feel comfortable that it isn't going to cause him any problems. The first step is to look at an unattached bag which really shouldn't be that hard, then your attached one, then have a go at touching it etc.

I imagine you will be able to skirt round the issue for a while, but it will become a problem if the relationship gets more intimate.

Lets hope others here who are more understanding might come up with more constructive advise than me.

Good luck, and I wish you well not only for xmas but for always,
Sean

[Kathy_from_England]

Hi Jo,
I've been thinking about this, and I guess it's a matter of whether he's a generally squeamish person or afraid of the unknown.

I would start off very slowly, with bags etc....I don't know your situation, but is it possible to leave one in the bathroom, maybe? So he can see it casually and on his own. Maybe a box, with the lid wide open? So it's not too obviously left there but not hidden away either.

To me, Gary's ostomy is simply a part of him. But, like Sean, I'm not particularly squeamish...in fact, I'm a curious person who likes to look and find out.

I do know of married ostomates whose partners have never seen the ostomy. I think a lot is to do with personal choice and what you both feel comfortable with.

Hope this helps.

[Jo]

Hi kathy & Sean

Thanks for the input will try lid off box and see what happens. I know its a case of slowly does it. Thank you again all the best to both of you.

Jo